erinptah: (daily show)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Calyx
Rating: PG-13
Characters/pairings: "Stephen" and family; eventual "Stephen"/OCs; Jon
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Work of parody; work of fiction; the characters aren't mine.

Young "Stephen" doesn't have the greatest parents, but a supportive neighbor changes the course of his life. Comfort fluff with a twist.

(This is a WIP that I stopped properly writing in late 2011, with the unfinished scenes loosely sketched-in. It's never going to be finished, at least not as originally intended, but it should hold together well-enough to be worth posting. Warning for character death, though it's only from old age.)

( He didn't even go to church, although Mama said he was a nice man: a little eccentric, but still a Poor Dear Thing for reasons that nobody talked about. )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: All My Roads Lead To You (2/4?)
Rating: PG-13
Contents: 9/11 references, vague sex
Characters/pairings: Jon/Tracey, pre-Jon/"Stephen", kids, Jimmy Fallon
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Jon the Sentinel is back in the U.S., and trying to settle into his newly awakened senses, not to mention his new civic duties. Stephen meanwhile is dealing with his own sense of overload, as the walls he's developed to keep out other people's emotions start buckling under the strain.

AO3 mirror | Part 1 | Part 2

( Plus, the whole thing was overwhelming Stephen's own brain with warm and fuzzy feelings, and he had to focus on quieting them down. )
erinptah: (daily show)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: And He Never Gives In (he just changes his mind)
Rating: PG-13
Contents: A/B/O. Just...A/B/O.
Characters/pairings: "Even Stepvhen", Jon and "Stephen" Colbewart
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

In which Stephen's religion says some wacky things, Steve is shouty but ultimately helpful, and Jon is theoretically keeping order but in reality just trying to keep up.

So, yeah, this is fakenews Alpha/Beta/Omega fic. (Executive summary: it's like a BDSM AU, but built on a wider grab-bag of seemingly disparate kinks, often including going-into-heat, dub-con, mpreg/fpreg, knotting, rigid biology-based social roles, D/s, and breeding/mating. Although this story is about 5% sexuality and 95% worldbuilding.) Jon, a beta, doesn't date omegas. So far, nothing he's seen of Stephen is making him regret this policy.

References a 2007 Emmys sketch and a Billy Joel song. Also here on the AO3.

'Catholics believe that the ability to get pregnant is a gift from God. Heat is just God's way of making really, really sure you take that gift out of the packaging and try it on, instead of trying to sneak it back to the store.' )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: In Vino Venenum
Rating: PG-13
Characters/pairings: Jon/"Stephen", Olivia/Kristen, Sam, ensemble
Disclaimer/Warnings: See the table of contents.

A haremverse prompt from [personal profile] kribban: "Sam, as the head concubine is in charge of punishing the others if they break the rules. Olivia does, is punished in a creative way, and Kristin comforts her." Even without Jon's orders controlling the household, their precarious safety takes plenty of rules and efforts to keep up. (The title, assuming I've translated it right, means "in wine, poison.")

For my [community profile] hc_bingo round 3 card, prompt "poisoning."

( Sam and Olivia manned the kitchen, advising Beck's cooks on portion sizes, Jon's favorite seasonings, and, hopefully, not sabotaging his immune system and leading him to a grisly demise. )
erinptah: (daily show)
[personal profile] erinptah
A sequence of ficlets written for prompts at [community profile] punditfic and [livejournal.com profile] fakenews_fanfic.

Blanket Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.


Title: Not Sure If Breakthrough
Rating: PG
Cast: Jon/"Stephen", OC
Prompt by [personal profile] kribban: The personal notes of Jon and "Stephen's" marriage counselor.

( Re-evaluated considerations re: abuse. Encouraged J to employ reality testing. )


Title: Snowflake
Rating: G
Cast: Jon, "Stephen"
Prompt: An image (at the end)

( One of Stephen's creepy dimensional portals must have been holding the thing, and was now discharging it bit by bit: enough metal to form the frame of a mid-sized pup tent, and in almost as complicated a configuration. )


Title: Pulpit
Rating: G
Cast: "Stephen", family
Prompt: "Warning signs," specifically from [personal profile] politicette: "Something about baby!"Stephen" and how if someone (Charlene?) were paying more attention, they would have honed in on a specific incident or two and caught how miserable and unstable he was growing up to be."

( Stevie's standing on tiptoes behind the pulpit, on the velvet-covered footstool used by the kids who get called up to recite a prayer or light an Advent candle. )
politicette: (Default)
[personal profile] politicette
Title: He Knows
Characters: Jon, liberal!"Stephen"
Rating: G
Summary: Written for [personal profile] themistoklis's prompt: Santa is real! (any)!"Stephen" and Jon.
Word Count: 149
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Expand“Santa is a fundamentally bourgeoisie fantasy, a tool of the neo-colonial capitalist kyriarchy designed to brainwash our children into consumerist slavery.”  )

Title:
Season's Greetings
Characters: Jon/liberal!"Stephen"
Rating: G
Summary: Written for [personal profile] erinptah's prompt: Liberal!"Stephen"'s Christmahanukwanzakah party.
Word Count: 235
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

ExpandSeason’s Greetings: Stephen Colbert’s Generic Secular Nondenominational Winter Party Fest: 2011 was sure to be Stephen’s biggest soiree yet. He was sure of it.  )


Title: Deck the Halls
Characters: Jon/"Stephen" (Jon/Lorraine)
Rating: PG
Summary: Written for [personal profile] gaudy_night's prompt: Jon/"Stephen", home for the holidays.
Word Count: 283
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

ExpandLaughing, Jon leaned against the side of the cabin and watched the family frolic in the snow.  )

Title: Carp How the Bells
Characters: Jon/Stephen
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: Written for [profile] underthepiano's prompt: Jon/Stephen, holiday shopping
Word Count: 201
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

ExpandHe pulls on Jon’s hand, clutched tightly in his, and inadvertently yanks him over to the display of some of the most… unusual… Christmas curios Jon has ever seen.  )
erinptah: (You Are Not Alone)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (10/10+epilogue)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon, c!Stephen/Tad/Amy, Bobby, Alan, Jay, Meg, Buttons, Rebecca Drysdale, (skip) a tentacle monster, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Paulina Porizkova, Helen Thomas, Martha Stewart, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones, Reza Aslan
Warnings:
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

For those of you who have the misfortune not to recognize Rebecca Drysdale...run, don't walk, to watch Time Traveling Lesbian.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( Some relationships are patched up, others not so much, and the H.M.S. Report reaches the End of the World. )
erinptah: (You Are Not Alone)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (9/10+epilogue)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon, c!Stephen/Tad/Amy, Allison, (skip) Rebecca Drysdale
Warnings: (skip) Tentacles!
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Apparently all my Olivia fics are going to make her cry at some point. Not that anyone else escapes the angst in this chapter.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( Allison hates her job, Kristen is cold and wet, Jon and Stephen mix like vinegar and baking soda, and Olivia could really use someone to talk to. )

ETA: Fixed the link ^_^;
erinptah: (fountain)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (8/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Buttons, Jon, Allison, c!Stephen/Tad/Amy
Warnings: Past trauma, (skip) fire! (Again!)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Well, would you look at that. New pairing tags.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( In which our heroes decide to coordinate their breakdowns, and the term DIAF becomes uncomfortably literal. )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (7/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon/c!Stephen, c!Stephen/Tad (subtext), Amy, Bobby, (skip) Neil DeGrasse Tyson, c!Stephen/Tad/Amy
Warnings: Past trauma, hazardous coconuts
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

For the record, this whole fic is a wildcard fill on my [community profile] hc_bingo card, for the prompt "unexpected pregnancy" and/or "unexpected consequences of planned soulbonding." (How much do I love that both of those are options?)

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( Our heroes split into groups to explore an uncharted island. Cue physical danger, prophetic uncertainty, and personal revelations. )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (6/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon/c!Stephen, c!Stephen/Amy (subtext), c!Stephen/Tad (also subtext), Buttons, (skip) Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres
Warnings: Foreplay, tumbling (literal)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Makes reference to this clip.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( This is the chapter with the Big Reveal. Also, pirates. )
erinptah: Madoka and Homura (madoka)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (5/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon/c!Stephen, Tad, Amy, Alan, Buttons
Warnings: Foreplay, Scrabble abuse.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( In which Stephen continues to bond with Tad and Amy, Olivia's insecurities pop up at weird times, Jon gets shirtless, and a revelation is made...sort of. )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (4/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon/c!Stephen, Congresswoman Duchess Norton, c!Stephen/Tad (subtext), Amy
Warnings: Fire!
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( Olivia tackles her seasickness, Tad and Amy are helpful, and Stephen, as in any universe, can't resist picking a fight with Eleanor Holmes Norton. )
erinptah: (college lesbian)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (3/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon/c!Stephen, Tad, Amy, Allison, Buttons, Alan
Warnings: Foreplay, tumbling (literal)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Silphium is (or was) a real plant, although the magical AU version is slightly different. The ship's doctor can be seen in this clip.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( The H.M.S. Report sets sail for the Eagle Islands, a trip which leaves Stephen sick of crossword puzzles and Olivia just plain sick. )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Castles In The Sand (2/10)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Olivia/Kristen, Jon/c!Stephen, Allison Silverman, Tad, P.K. Winsome, Amy, Starbeam and Rainbow
Warnings: Bad puns. (As if "de sea" wasn't bad enough.)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

I don't think this 'verse has had enough gratuitous unicorns lately. Let's fix that.

Amazing beta job by [personal profile] queenfanfiction. Decorative capitals by Daily Drop Cap. Chapter index: Table of Contents

( Our heroes saddle up the unicorns and head for the port town of En-by-the-Sea, where their first move is to split up. Shenanigans ensue. )

Fic: Chill

Oct. 30th, 2011 09:09 pm
erinptah: (winding road)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: Chill
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Vampirism, hypnotism
Pairings/Characters: "Stephen", Jon
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

In honor of Halloween, have a bit more of the Eagle of Hermes 'verse, shortly after the attacks of '99. Jon's never done this before, so he's a little nervous. In trying to make it good for him, Stephen accidentally overdoes it on the hypnosis.

For my [community profile] hc_bingo round 2 card, prompt "brainwashing".

( 'I'll take half a pint, and not a drop more. You might not appreciate it — few people do — but my self-control is legendary.' )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: It Came From Beyond The Stars And Stripes (4/4)
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen", Olivia, alien OCs
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (skip) mortal peril
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. The Report characters and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and Viacom. The real person(s) are used in a fictional parody context.

Jon and Stephen deal with the emotional aftermath of Jon's operation. Ideally, they wouldn't have had to do that while Olivia and Jon were also facing the climax of the fight for humanity's place in the universe...but hey, you work with what you get.

For the record, this hits "arrest" and "brainwashing" on my card for [community profile] hc_bingo.

Full story: Table of Contents

( 'If you don't make things right with Jon before then, you might lose the chance forever.' )
erinptah: (starscape)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: It Came From Beyond The Stars And Stripes (3/4)
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen", Olivia, alien OCs
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, (skip) abortion, medical skeeviness, imminent memory wipe
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. The Report characters and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and Viacom. The real person(s) are used in a fictional parody context.

Stephen, Jon, and Olivia wind up on a secret alien moon base. They're all much too preoccupied to appreciate it properly.

Hat Tip to [personal profile] sarcasticsra for some of the alien design. A further Hat Tip to Octavia E. Butler for writing top-notch serious alien mpreg (warning: body horror, wonky alien consent issues). And while I'm here, a Hat Tip to TDS co-creator Lizz Winnstead, who is currently doing a comedy tour in support of Planned Parenthood.

Full story: Table of Contents

( 'Cut him some slack, Your Alienness; he's never gotten anyone knocked up before.' )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
Title: It Came From Beyond The Stars And Stripes (2/4?)
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen", the WØRD, Olivia
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mpreg, squicky biological stuff, (skip) fighting over abortion
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. The Report characters and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and Viacom. The real person(s) are used in a fictional parody context.

Stephen and Jon each have their own separate freakouts about the hybrid fetus incubating in Jon's torso, which finally, painfully, crash together. Olivia provides emotional support along the way, though she's really just here for the alien fish.

...Honestly, any summary for this sounds like false advertising. It's too sober for crackfic, and takes refuge in audacity too much to be serious, and I don't know how to convey the balance (assuming there is one) other than letting the text speak for itself.

Full story: Table of Contents

( 'Men don't express worry. They just roll it up in a ball and compress it into a tiny tight little knot until they can let it out by exploding at Democrats.' )
erinptah: (Default)
[personal profile] erinptah
After a couple years of noninspiration (or at least, nonmotivation), I finally finished a new vid :D

PreviewTitle: Sexy, Naughty, Daily
Footage: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Jon Stewart Show, The Larry Sanders Show
Music: Tata Young, "Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy"
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen", Jon/Wyatt, Jon/Hodgman, Jon/John Oliver, Jon/various, Sam/Jason, Jason/John Oliver, Jason/Wyatt/John Oliver, John Oliver/Aasif, John Oliver/various, Kristen/Larry, "Stephen"/audience, "Stephen"/Fonda, "Stephen"/bear, "Stephen"/Emmy, "Stephen"/food, "Stephen"/various, with special guest appearances from Olivia, Rob Riggle, happy!"Stephen", Julian the dancing cameraman, a variety of guests, and Gary Shandling. It's that kind of vid.
Disclaimer: This is a fair-use transformative work; the original material is not mine.

Two words: Peabody Award. (Two other words: short shorts.)

DailyMotion | MegaUpload (.avi, 3:37, 54.3 MB) | Website (with lyrics)

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